The emergence of the Flexi-Mum

Having spent nearly 6 years trying to "find myself", I think I've at last discovered who I am again. It's no coincidence that my eldest child is also nearly 6, as I seem to have lost myself immediately after child-birth.

I knew who I was until I became a mum. I was a 33 yr old research manager, working 9-5, or rather 8-6. Suddenly, I was a mother who was still a research manager, but not doing any research except finding out all I could about breast-feeding, colic and baby poo.

Then my maternity leave lapsed and I decided not to go back to work. Suddenly, I was a "real" housewife and full-time mum. I was a really crap housewife, finding it would take me two days to complete a full wash cycle, so much to remember, so much to forget and so little time to forget to do it all in. Not to mention the continuous cycle of breastfeeding, changing nappies, trying to get baby off to sleep, meeting other mothers and talking about babies, breastfeeding, colic and nappies. Perhaps I was such an awful housewife because I took the more enjoyable full-time mum bit literally. Somehow, I had been transported into somebody else's life. I no longer recognised me, the old me, the real me and I didn't know where the new me was heading. There was no annual review, no training plan, just a life of making it up as you go along.

When my baby was almost a year old, I got the financial calling to go back to work. It was proper work...in an office, with computers, telephones, other people, projects and tea breaks. At last there was a plan, a future of training courses, meetings and mostly sensible conversation. So, back into a professional working life, I looked forward to the return of my old self.

And did she come back?...er, no!

Although part of me came back and enjoyed the job, the maternal side of me could not let me throw my 110% into the job. Everyday, I left on time (an hour earlier than most), desperate to get back to the nursery feeling guilty and feeling troubled that I'd left my colleagues to finish pieces of work before home-time. It was such a relief when, nine months later, my husband announced that he'd got a new job in Suffolk. So I handed in my notice and became a crap housewife and full-time mum again, whilst project planning a relocation.

Since then, with the move over and settled into our new town, I have been on a path of accidental self-development, trying but failing to become a domestic goddess, but have been self-promoted to full-time mother of two. Of course, we're talking serious parenting here, completely absorbing what was left of the old career-led person...until...

A few years ago, a spark of my old enthusiasm hit me and I became a governor of a local school. At the same time, I started turning one of my hobbies into a pocket money business. About eight months later a friend approached me with a business idea, which led to developing a creative company, which is still running today. The pocket money business is also beginning to take off, providing me with a regular but basic income. Meanwhile, I have become an adult education tutor at a local college and I regularly write for a number of publications, whilst having a few other irons in the fire.

However, when people ask if I am a full-time mum or housewife, I have a tendency to still say, "Yes Yes" and if they ask me if I work, I often catch myself saying "not really" or perhaps "a little". This conundrum has developed because I don't actually go "out to work" in the traditional sense and the work that I do engage in doesn't actually feel like work. It's just part of my dibble dabble lifestyle that I've previously discussed.

This dibble-dabbling has made it even more tricky because it makes it difficult to put me in a box and humans like to compartmentalise people and things. Being neither a housewife, nor a full-time mum or a working mother and instead doing this, that and the other, I've been desperate to put my finger on it for a long time, just wanted to feel sorted in a non-neurotic kind of way.

And at last, with a big sigh of relief for you and for me, I have found out who I am and what I really do.

I can now shout proudly from the hill-tops...I am a flexi-mum, yes a flexi-mum. A flexible working mum, giving myself permission to feel good about the fact that I haven't fallen back onto the conveyor belt of work, but am instead being resourceful about earning the money that I do, whilst still spending most of the week with the kids.

A flexi-mum, yes I like that but most of all I really love the flexi-mum kind of life!

_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

I am currently conducting research on the effect of childbirth on self-image and working options for new mothers and would be grateful for personal stories, no matter to which decade they belong. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me at 21stcm@21scenturymummy.co.uk

Also, if your lifestyle is a flexi-mum lifestyle, please get in touch and send me your stories too.

Downshifting the 21st CM Way

A few days ago, I gave a little nod towards the subject of downshifting and regular readers will have already seen a few related links appearing in the side-bar.

Downshifting can mean different things to different people, but the Wikipedia definition describes it as the act of moving from a lifestyle of greater consumption towards a lifestyle based on voluntary simplicity. One of the best sites to find out more is www.downshiftingweek.com which was set up by Tracey Smith. Tracey also has a video on YouTube about Sustainable Living and wraps it up in a nutshell, where she describes herself as a "Contented Downshifter" where the less money she spends the more time she has to spend with the people she loves. Consequently, the less money she has to earn.

If you're new to the concept of downshifting, you might be mistaken that it's not relevant to you and is a bit "new-agey", but that's not true at all and, as an example, Tracey's website has a list of things that an individual can do easily to change their lifestyle, without having to change their character or profile.

I would describe myself as a "downhill-shifter", someone who is on the way but not yet fully there, but who wants to commit more to the principles. I try to be more sustainable and cycle wherever I can in my local area. I belong to a local bartering group. I make jewellery for friends instead of buying presents (which saves a lot of money). When we have a family day out, we tend to enjoy the great outdoors away from commercial temptations. We have a compost bin in our garden as well as a water butt and try to incorporate edible plants into our small suburban garden. Here's a tour of our little patch of land:

Here you can see our potatoes which we planted in a tub. You might even be able to make out the black compost bin behind. Next is the well-disguised non-intrusive water butt (honestly it is there, behind the bay tree). Against the fence is our blackberry plant and further along you'll see the rhubarb.

You don't need a greenhouse to grow tomatoes and here is our seedling tray on our windowsill, followed by tomatoes grown in a pot outdoors. We have a bay-tree hedge as well as herbs in pots.

We even have a grapevine, which only has two bunches of grapes, but it's a start.

On the expenditure front, it has taken me quite a while to try and get used to not shopping so much and I go through bursts of enthusiasm, which is why I am still only a "downhill-shifter". But I am going to try harder. I might even be brave and put an "expenditure meter" on this site.

I am trying my hand at more and more home-made food. My latest achievement is my recipe for a semi-burnt quiche (here are the "before and after" shots):

One thing that is for certain, by having given up traditional work, I get to spend more time with my children and I also have more time to volunteer in community projects. I also earn pocket money from doing fun things instead of serious stuff.

Even though I don't have time for an allotment or space for chickens, I hope that one day in the future we will be able to organise this. In the meantime, I would love to get involved in a chicken co-op (excuse the pun), if there is such a thing, where I could help out in exchange for some fresh eggs.

There is a lot to be said for slowing down in the way that I have and I am a lot more relaxed about things these days. If you are interested in having a go your own way, a great start is the free e-book on Tracey Smith's site. Also, have a look at some of the new links in my sidebar. Make sure that you don't miss Melanie Rimmer's Bean-sprouts site. It is very inspiring.

The book which started me off on this journey was "Downshifting: the bestselling guide to happier and simpler living". I picked it up in Borders in 1998, when I worked just off Oxford Street in London. It planted a huge seed in my mind, that there could be more to life than heavy commuting and the push, push, push of career development. Coupled with later ideas about portfolio working, I was well on the way to laying the foundations for what is now our family life in the 21st Century.

Who would have guessed that we would be in beautiful Suffolk, as a family of four, enjoying a slower pace of life (with me becoming the not-so-perfect housewife). All we need now is for me to spend less and less money, my husband to give up his very responsible job and allow him to indulge in his passions too...so where will we be in ten years time I wonder? Isn't the future unbelievably exciting?!

How many hats can you network with?

Yesterday I attended a very useful networking session for women, organised by our local enterprise agency, Menta. Throughout my career, whenever I've attended networking sessions it's always been straight-forward. Shake some hands, meet some interesting people, listen to what they do and promote what you do. Simple eh, when your career/self-employment is focused in one area!

However, regular readers will be aware of my developing "Portfolio lifestyle", aka my dibble-dabbling. So far, this has been going beautifully and it's been easy to keep everything compartmentalised in their little boxes, opening one box at a time for the appropriate situation, whether it's related to scribbles, bling or blogging (my three main income streams).

It's never been a problem until yesterday, when people were asking what I do in what was a general forum. Suddenly, I felt like I was changing hats, (not to mention costumes), faster than Mr Ben (apologies to readers under the age of 30 for the 1970s cultural reference). I came away utterly exhausted.

Then it occurred to me, even though I've got each of these individual boxes under control, what is missing is a "corporate" identity for Me Ltd. However, how to create a corporate identity for a dibble-dabbler, does not seem an easy task. I wouldn't like to say that I was a Jack (or Jill) of all trades because it implies that I'm master (or mistress) of none, which is untrue. Likewise, I don't want to compromise my interests by ditching one or two of my income streams to focus on one path.

If Mr Sugar or Mr Branson happen to pass by, any advice would be appreciated. In the meantime, I'm off to see Charles Handy in a few weeks, the originator of the Portfolio Lifestyle. Maybe I'll ask him!

(Image courtesy of www.kirstysredhats.com)


Addendum:

I've just come across a great site called Down The Lane, which focuses on down-shifting, which is what I've subscribed to, having decided not to go back into formal work since having children. It's inspired me to realise my dibble-dabbling is okay and I don't need to get too serious about it. After all, get serious, get stressed and I might as well be back in the office that I am trying to stay away from.

Daddy & Baby Groups - here we come!

Great news that the government is proposing for fathers to be able to take six months paternity leave. According to the Out-Law newsfeed, the proposed changes won't come in until at least 2009, when it is planned for women to be allowed 12 months paid leave. However, if the proposals turn into reality it will mean that either parent can choose to take the latter 6 months as paid leave, giving the opportunity for mothers to return to work earlier.

(copyright of the image belongs to EOC)

Judging by a whole range of facts & figures from the Equal Opportunities Commission many working dads suffer from long working hours and insufficient flexibility to enable them to spend as much time as they would like with their families. Some will probably be happy to stay behind the desk until children are in bed. However for the majority, they will at least be in with the chance to enjoy more flexibility at least while the children are very young.

So does that mean that entrepreneurs in the mother and toddler sector should start planning baby activities for dads, like Baby Golf? Doubt if it would work, but you never know!

One Month Old Today!

Yippee - My blog is a month old already. I've made it! Now, I know it's not much to get excited about BUT I have never ever been able to keep a diary for longer than two weeks. So this is a bit of a milestone. Not quite the same as when you stop in wonder at how you've been able to nourish a new-born baby for a whole month, but almost there!

So a month on...who is this 21st Century Mummy? As my blog has evolved, I've had plenty of time to think about how I too have evolved over the last decade. There's no time like the present to share my musings and I will begin with the birth of my own motherhood and my evolvement into a 21st century housewife!

I only became a mother at the beginning of the 21st Century, when I was in my early thirties. Not that we were waiting for the dawn of a new era, but waiting until we had earned enough money so we could support a family. As the years went by, we realised that we'd never have enough money, so thought, "blow it everyone else seems to cope". So we went forth and conquered, in a manner of speaking, and six years on we are now blessed with two 21st century boys.

But what a shock! Despite having loads of information available to prepare you for your first baby, there is nothing to prepare you mentally for the reality. I don't just mean how you look after a little one but the effect that it has on your whole sense of self.

Imagine your mind as your inner world, where you think that you've already discovered every emotion and understand how your inner world works and how you think. Before having a baby, I thought I had myself pretty well mapped out! However, from the day a baby arrives, you discover uncharted lands in the map of your mind, feelings that might never have been there before and thoughts that knock you off your feet. Never mind the dilemmas that constantly trickle into the seas of decision, with the waves flowing forward and drawing back as you consider the best way forward for family life.

One of the major dilemmas has been whether to be a working mother or a stay-at-home mother aka housewife. For me the choice I wanted was to stay at home to care for my children. However, what came with that were the domestic chores for which we once had employed a cleaner to manage. That has been the shock to the system, from which I found it difficult to recover. Not to mention my desire to be my old-self.

Sometimes I wish I was a 1950s housewife, where the role of a mother in a family was ring-fenced. Social history has illustrated that in such times a mother knew where she stood. She was the one who held the family together through the routine of domestic chores, household rules that supported the growth of the family and the husband as the bread-winner.

By the time we had reached the 21st century, the emancipation of women in the workplace had created a life of choice and it's a choice from which I too have been able to benefit. In reality, I could never be a 1950s housewife in the 21st century, because the alternative choices offer a more interesting lifestyle.

I may be a stay-at-home mum, but the distractions of my "dibbling and dabbling" and my desire to prove that part of me can live up to my old self distracts me from the 1950s style house-keeping routine, which I feel as a housewife I should follow. There is always the voice of guilt, that nags nags nags....should cook more, clean more, darn socks.

I know that I am not on my own and I am one of thousands of women who create this conflict between being at home for the family and wanting to go and do something for yourself. There is an article by the New Statesman that takes this whole thing deeper.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy in my role and feel lucky to have today's choices. I probably just need my mother to move in, make me play by the rules and keep me in check! Now I am joking!

One empty raincoat and a fat portfolio to boot

In 1999 a colleague introduced me to Charles Handy's "The Empty Raincoat". At the time I was building my career in London, working in the music copyright industry, but not sure what to do next. Suddenly, I discovered the advantages of a portfolio lifestyle, presented by Handy as the future of working. Promises of great opportunities lay ahead, as Handy described a portfolio lifestyle as one where instead of working for one employer, people would become occupied in a multitude of applications ranging from unpaid work to paid work. Most importantly, according to Handy, people who applied themselves in this way would be happier as they could break free from the chains that tied themselves to the traditional workplace.

How idyllic I thought, surrounding myself with daydream images of buttercups, happy smiles, rainbows, sipping cappuccinos, etc. So, filled with thoughts of happiness I guessed I'd give it a go. Somehow or other I turned my full-time job into a part-time job, working for the same company but as a consultant. I also got a contract working with a former employer and committed to one full day a week, volunteering as a classroom assistant in a local school. I quickly found my unpaid work more fulfilling than my paid work. I got the bug and also volunteered as a weekend information assistant at a papermaking factory which was emerging as a national tourist attraction and education centre.

However, the reality soon hit home that I needed more income to pay for our mortgage in the expensive Hertfordshire commuterland and when I was headhunted to set up a research department in London, my flirtation with a portfolio lifestyle came to an end and I got back onto the treadmill.

Having since left my profession to focus on having children and raising my young family (now in beautiful Suffolk), I haven't given much thought to the portfolio lifestyle after which I once hankered. I've just got on with bringing up the children and supporting my husband in his work.

That said, I have my own interests which have developed over the last few years. I volunteer at my son's primary school and I sometimes write for a local magazine. I love creative stuff and I really enjoy teaching others and have set up a number of income-generating workshops along the way. It's what I would call a pocket-money business rather than anything else. Having halved our income, by giving up "proper work" I was keen to develop and relaunch a local bartering system (LETS) to share resources with our local community.

It's only when I recently read an article called "Making our own way" in Juno (a family magazine) and became immersed in the author's representation of her own portfolio lifestyle, did I realise that she was referring to my type of lifestyle that I now enjoy.

I feel very lucky to be in the position of enjoying a bit of dibble-dabbling. Last year I registered as self-employed so that I can declare properly my part-time earnings. However, it's not necessarily the money that I find rewarding. Instead it's the range of experiences that come with it and the flexibility it offers to be with my family at the right time that now float my boat, so to speak.

As my history shows, it is a difficult task to get off the treadmill when you are ensconsed in a full-time job or have a big mortgage. What worked for us was for me to be brave encough not to go back to work after having a baby and having the opportunity to relocate away from commuterville shortly afterwards.

At the time, we couldn't afford for me not to work but we took out a short-term overdraft and looked for ways of changing our lifestyle to enable me to be at home with the children. Many people take out car-loans for a new car. This was just the same, but instead we were committing to a lifestyle of downshifting. We bought a smaller house than we felt we needed (wanted) but have since benefited from a couple of rises in my husband's pay-packet. This has meant that the risk that we took has paid off and we can still lead a comfortable and more enjoyable lifestyle that suits us.

I am still tempted by the odd four bedroom house with a conservatory, but when I sway from my goals my husband shows me the recruitment pages in the Sunday papers. That's enough to send me back to my dibbling and dabbling on the two days a week that I have reserved for such excitement!